Tap 'er Light: Beards and some deep cuts

By Bill Foley - 08/26/2008

Bill Foley

I can't grow a beard. I shave once a week, whether I need to or not.

If I go more than a week without shaving, I look like a junior high school boy who thinks he is growing a beard.

Kyle Orton can't grow a beard, either.

Other than the two or three career NFL touchdowns Orton has thrown, the difference between me and the new starting quarterback for the Chicago Bears is that I know I can't grow a beard. So I don't go around looking more ridiculous than I have to.

Orton is parading around as the leader of my favorite team with a so-called beard that is the worst thing in facial hair since John Walker Lindh became the American Taliban.

Orton hardly has a hair on his face. But his neck looks like a rat's nest full of uneven hair. I'd say he should at least trim the mess, but he would still look really weird.

In Chicago they call it the "neck beard." I say it's more of a "Missoula beard" because that is the only other place I know of where it is sociably acceptable for a guy to go around town looking like that.

Sure, I can grow some hairs on my neck. After seven or eight months, they might even become long hairs.

But, whether I like it or not, I have to look in the mirror from time to time, and I'd have to kick my own butt on general principle if I looked like Kyle Orton.

Contrary to what you might think, my objection to Orton's so-called beard has nothing to do with him "winning" the starting job over Rex Grossman, though I really wish the Bears had stuck with Rex.

His appearance just bugs me beyond belief, and now that he's the starter I'll probably have to look at him for 16 games this year — not including all the post-game interviews and the countless highlight shows. (That, of course, is assuming Orton doesn't get killed playing in front of that offensive line.) Just like I don't want my lawyer to have a unibrow, I don't want my quarterback to look like Orton.

Orton looks worse than those goofy young baseball players who refuse to bend the bill of their hats. He makes Osama bin Laden look like an athlete.

Sure, most Bears quarterbacks look bad on the field. Orton is taking this to a new height.

My buddy Davey recently got a chocolate lab puppy for his son. Davey named the dog "Rex" because he is one of the few Bears fans who shares my opinion about Grossman.

When Orton's stats looked good — his quarterback rating, not him — in last Thursday's preseason game, I texted Davey and asked if he was going to change the name of his dog. He said he might.

I just hope he doesn't name the dog "Kyle" because, unlike Orton, that dog at least has an excuse to have hair on his neck.

Cutting edge People have been getting upset about being cut from their high school teams for years.

Now, for better and mostly worse, the internet gives these people a public forum.

For example, take this gem on Butterats.com last Thursday from "sportsfanatic." I changed nothing, not even the punctuation.

Check it out: "you know there needs to be a change with butte high volleyball program. Ries and Burgmann have been the head of it far too long!!!" The three exclamation points are a nice touch. Otherwise, you might think this person was taking the cuts in stride.

By the way, there is only one ‘n' in Burgman. I'd hate for you not to know that it's Dale Burgman — that's right, Dale Burgman — she's raking through the coals. But wait. It gets better.

"Tryouts for the 2008 season are now over and of course everyone with a name and some that do even did not make the team." I think what she means is players with and without a so-called "name" were cut.

Geez, talk about damned if you do, damned if you don't.

"Seniors ——, —— and —— all great athletes and girls that have played for years did not make the team." OK, so I changed one thing. I took out the names to protect the innocent.

"Freshman girls that got picked who absolutely suck and have no ability were picked in basis to who the freshman girls coaches are." I know there's a joke there, but I'm going to leave that one alone.

"I personally know that two gals that made it cant even serve over the net or have any athletic ability were picked due to their parents ‘knowing' the coaches and oh get this one mommy dearest plays vball with the coach. total and complete outrage." Can't even serve over the net? No athletic ability? Hey, she says that like those are bad things.

"The whole crew of coaches and staff need to find something better to do with their lives besides taking away the name of being a part of Butte High athletics." Yeah, I have no idea what that last sentence means.

And to think, you were shocked that the Butte schools didn't meet the No Child Left Behind guidelines.

"SAme old political whats in a name crap and who kisses a— a little bit more. Nothing like taking away the self esteem of these girls for future endeavors and athletics." There's nothing worse than someone with no self esteem. Well, almost nothing.

"Go Coach Ries and staff maybe ur part of the reason why people are starting to enroll their kids at Butte Central because if you dont know ya or give you a little somethin somethin you aint got a fighting chance!!!!" Well, I'm sure Butte Central appreciates John Ries then.

So, there you have it, reason No. 3,965,432 why I will never be a high school coach.

I was thinking about coming up with some kind of defense for Ries, who is in his 26th year and has never had a losing season.

But who would listen to me?

I am, after all, the guy who judges a quarterback by his beard.

Bloggin' See more about Bob O'Billovich's return to the Mining City on Bill Foley's blog at mtstandard.com/blogs.