Shopping online? Beware of pitfalls

By Joe Barnhart - 12/12/2007

Black Friday and Cyber Monday point to record Internet sales this holiday season — and why not? How can anyone resist sitting in a comfy chair, surfing for that perfect gift? But what do we really know about those e-businesses?

Let’s test your Internet savvy. Who of the following can operate a commercial Web site?

a. Britney Spears; b. Charles Manson; c. Michael Jackson; d. Willy the Slime from Carteret, N.J.

And the answer is all of the above. Britney would be a challenge, needing rehab first plus a support group’s help to stop smearing whiteout on the computer screen. Anyone, even ex-felons with records as long as Santa’s shopping list, can have a “Web presence.” Contrary to popular belief, not all Web folks are honest. Get over it!

Here’s a little fairy tale to illustrate my point: Once upon a time, Hans, a middle-aged guy with missing reading glasses and creaky knees, wanted a new digital camera. He spent wistful hours on the Internet reading reviews and camera guides, working crossword puzzles, and watching YouTube videos. He was ADHD — it couldn’t be helped.

Doing a Google search for his dream camera, Hans was shocked as site after site posted a price well beyond his meager allowance — except one, a beacon of hope on the information superhighway.

The Web site, www.BogusRatingsUSA.com, told of five-star-rated You Fool Cameras, selling for just $399 to boatloads of happy customers. Alas, that price was a mere pittance and one-third the price of those other loser sites. YFC’s site was a happy place, run by caring entrepreneurs wishing to “provide the best service possible in order to deserve the trust of our customers.” Remarkably, they did this by practically giving away products. Maybe they have magical hamsters making the cameras. Hans liked hamsters.

Without hesitation, lest it get away, Hans clicked “add to cart,” filled in sacred credit card information, and completed the order. (He’s why candy bars are in the checkout aisle.) But the voice of reason, gripping his throat, said, “The camera guide stated, ‘If the deal seems too good to be true, it probably is.’” He gasped, “Oops!” (He was damaged during college when generic beer was really cheap.) Hans frantically googled YouFool-Cameras.com, only to discover BewareofYouFoolCameras.com, which warned, “They are a complete scam!!” He screamed, “I’m an idiot!” (which was true) as scads of postings lamented how very “bait and switch” efficient YFC was, pushing accessories inflated like pro football players’ salaries. They were also in bed with www.BogusRatings-USA.com and hanging out in a sleazy New Jersey basement.

Hans had never been to New Jersey, always imagining it a “burb” of the Big Apple — like Harlem and Yonkers. He sank into a deep depression, feeling like a soggy chocolate cupcake heading toward the septic tank of life.

So you see, online shopping can have its perils. Surfing for that perfect gift? Here are two pieces of advice — my holiday gift to you: First, know your seller. Sure, there are reputable e-businesses, but always research first, order second.

Second, if it sounds too good to be true (PAY ATTENTION HERE!), it probably is. Don’t get trapped convincing some Bronx scumbag you mean business. As a trained professional with a foreign accent you won’t understand, he’ll have an arsenal of convoluted fibs that’ll cost you time and frustration (if not big bucks).

What about Hans? Oh, he had his benevolent wife quickly cancel the order. She knew he was a hopeless fool but loved him anyway. They lived happily ever after.

Moral: Support your local economy by giving your hometown businesses first crack at your gift list.

P.S. I’m watching my credit card billing in case goodies like zirconium nose rings from Vinnie’s Tattoos and Body Piercing (Hwy 57, N.J.) show up. E-mail me for the Web sites’ real names.

— Joe Barnhart is a freelance humorist from Dillon, and he can be e-mailed at lifestooserious@gmail.com. More of his light-hearted take on the world can be found at www.lifestooserious.com.