Readers take Quigley to task

By Chris Quigley - 08/31/2007

Dear Chris: I think you were a little harsh and even “cute” with that bit (last week) that women are telepathic and men have to do the opposite of what they hear, etc. As a woman, I do not agree that the husband was the problem. I think the wife has a problem communicating the truth. Even being single, I can recognize that playing the “Guess What I Really Think” game is deadly to a strong marriage. My mother played that “you think …” game with me, and I still resent that. Perhaps you were right to ask how long he had been married. You might have also asked him how trained his listening skills were, as I’m sure his wife pulled the same stuff when they were dating. If I caught my date playing communication games with me, he would be a date no more — not even on my list! Or … if women are telepaths, is it because men tune them out? In Out of My Skin’s case, I don’t think he was tuning out his wife, because he asked and asked, (if she wanted him to cancel his trip.) Maybe you should have hit on that theme some. Communication, communication, honest two-way communication! Listening with both ears and the mind connected. I still think the wife should have been the “correctee” on this one.

Thanks for the feedback, but as you can see below, not everyone agrees, read on!

Dear Chris: What the heck were you thinking with that response to Out of My Skin last week? That guy, most men for that matter, need to get their heads out of their hineys. Here’s the difference between men and women. If my husband was sick with the flu, I’d just cancel my trip and stay home, no problem, no need for discussion. Sometimes us women don’t ask for what we want because it’s too humiliating to always have to spell things out for our husbands. That guy deserves a slap upside his head for even asking her if she wanted him to stay home! Why in the world do men need everything explained to them anyway? Your advice was “Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing this.” Chris, if he shouldn’t beat himself up, then somebody else should. If men stopped thinking of themselves first all the time, and started taking their wife’s feelings into consideration once in awhile, they’d probably find themselves getting treated a lot better. You mentioned the movie “What Women Want” in your response. What women really want is to be valued for the hard work they do, and to be treated with some kindness and respect by their partners, without having to have everything explained to them. Also, somebody should make a movie called, “What Men Want.’’ It would be about how men want to just stumble blindly through relationships, always putting themselves first, not caring about the effects their actions have on others. Knowing you, you probably won’t even print this, but I just had to speak my mind.

Knowing me, eh? I guess you’re not the mind reader you thought you were! — Chris Chris Quigley, licensed clinical social worker, is a mental health therapist in Butte.

E-mail questions to quiglerock@aol.com. Or write: If I Were You, The Montana Standard, Box 627, Butte 59703. All names are changed to protect confidentiality.